i wanna be...

Lose Control

2012-02-17T01:37:00.000+08:00

I know I've been telling you not now,
But baby come and give it to me
Cause I can tell by the way that you move
That you're the one who could give it to me
Yeah
So come on lets move through the crowd
So we can find ourselves some privacy
And when I get you all to myself
I promise it's gonna be hard to breathe
When you watch me

Shake, wind, and roll
Let's lose control
Shake, wind, and roll
Let's lose control
Put your hands on my body, I
Love the way you make my body say iyiyi
Shake, wind, and roll
Let's lose control
Shake, wind and roll
Shake, wind and roll

Looking like you've seen a beautiful ghost,
She must have been a sight to see.
As you got your mouth wide open
And you're sweating like a hundred degrees
But it's not a ghost
You're body can't handle you watching me
And one more move
Imma make you drop to your knees

Shake, wind, and roll
Let's lose control
Shake, wind, and roll
Let's lose control (show me how you want it)
Put your hands on my body, I
Love the way you make my body say iyiyi
Shake, wind, and roll
Let's lose control

Baby, I'm loving how it feels
Looking in your eyes
Ooh it sends me chills
All down my spine
But now the song is done
You can have another one
But first you've got to pay to see me

[Nelly]

I gotta pay
How much
Hundred thousand dollar, two hundred thousand
You name it
Beemer, Benz, or Bentley,
Bugatti body, you claim it
And all of it depends
On the way you shake it
Had to valet park it to red carpet

I'll make you famous
You looking fancy huh
Lil mama have reindeer bambi huh
I'm staying and I'm playing in my alasky huh
I'm sixty nine, right mind
Nasty ma, na-na-nasty ma
Now you can play wit it, play wit it
And you gon get it
How your legs split it, you say get it
And imma get it girl
Let me see you shake it, wind it, control it
Bring it around
Take your cell phone
You say 911 what's going wrong

Shake, wind, and roll
Let's lose control
Shake, wind, and roll
Let's lose control (show me how you want it)
Put your hands on my body, I
Love the way you make my body say iyiyi
Shake, wind, and roll
Let's lose control

Shake. Wind.
Shake, wind, and roll
Shake. Wind.
Shake, wind, and roll
Shake. Wind.
Shake, wind, and roll
Shake. Wind.
Shake, wind, and roll

Maybe you didn't really need my loving
Not the way I needed yours
I was only try to keep it open
How you gonna slam the door
Led me to believe we were together
You were on a different plan
Just when things were changing for the better
You became a different man
If I was you
I would have never left you in the cold
In the first place, oh baby
And If I was you
I'd be really trying to make it
You turned down a one way
Oh babe, said you let me down
Said you let me, let me, let me, let me, let me down
Yeah, you let me, let me down
Yeah you let me, let me, let me, let me, let me down
Said you let me, let me down
Let me down

A real man wouldn't have done it like that
No boys allowed

2012-02-14T01:42:00.003+08:00

salt on your skin

i can feel my defenses wearing thin

i'm alone and on my own

but this time i think i can handle it.

i can do this :)

sometimes i think i could fall in love with you again. maybe.

but it would be a mother of all bad ideas.

charles, i do wish you would know that i miss you. :)

i'd rather die than admit this to you though.

knowing that you don't know about the existence of this blog reassures me :P

i want to know, do you miss me too?

maybe that's what i need to have closure.

fuck these bloody hormones :P

that song you wrote.

2012-01-27T01:25:00.004+08:00

now that you're gone how am i supposed to feel?
honestly
I am no fucking good at being single.
I frankly, suck at it.
I hate being alone.
I hate feeling like nobody is there.
I know people love me. I know people care. but it's not the fucking same.,
it's fucking complicated.
and I'm not as invincible as I thought I once was.

those scars, those wounds you thought were gone
they're back and more vicious than ever.
bleeding on the floor.
come in and close the door.
I'm alone once more.

kissing you there's a bittersweet taste.
you taste like sadness and lust and
i feel like i shouldn't be doing this but you taste so good and you taste like forbidden fruit
and how come this doesn't make me feel any better at all?
you let me, let me fall.

i need a drink
i need a hit
i need something to get over it.

I'm no good alone.
no good together.
maybe in the end we're no good at all.

2012-01-09T19:06:00.004+08:00

there's something about taking that one long drag of a cigarette.

it soothes my soul.

i want to be your drug, your habit, i want to that one thing you can never quit.

i want you to be addicted to me like i am addicted to you.

the one you can't get enough of.

_____________

http://www.wikihow.com/Hide-the-Fact-That-You-Smoke-from-Your-Parents

HAHAHAHHA

http://www.wikihow.com/Cover-up-the-Smell-of-Cigarette-Smoke

http://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-Getting-Caught-Smoking-by-Your-Parents

2012-01-08T17:24:00.005+08:00

how do you do it?

infiltration.

break down his defenses.

make him trust you.

then, break his heart

but i won't do it. i can't and anyway i don't know how to.

it's about peace and acceptance in love and heartbreak.

2012-01-08T12:08:00.004+08:00

"Ass Back Home"
(feat. Neon Hitch)

[Neon Hitch - Chorus]
I don’t know, where you’re going
Or when you’re coming home
I left the keys under the mat to our front door
For one more chance to hold you close
I don’t know, where you’re going
Just get your ass back home

[Travie McCoy]
We both knew this type of life didn’t come with instructions
So I’m trying to do my best to make something out of nothing
And sometimes it gets downright shitty in fact
When you call and I don’t even know what city I’m in at
Or what day of the week in the middle of the month
In a year I don’t recall
It’s like my life’s on repeat and the last time we spoke
I told you I wouldn’t be long,
That was last November, now December’s almost gone
I’d apologize but I don’t realize what I’m doing wrong

[Chorus]
I don’t know, where you’re going
Or when you’re coming home
I left the keys under the mat to our front door
For one more chance to hold you close
I don’t know, where you’re going
Just get your ass back home

[Travie McCoy]
And you’ve been nothing but amazing
And I never take that for granted
Half of these birds would have flew the coop
But you, you truly understand it
And the fact you stood beside me,
Every time you heard some bogusness
You deserve a standing o ‘cause they’d a just been over it

Let em talk, let em talk, let em talk, let em talk
Like we don’t hear what they saying
Let em walk, let em walk, let em walk, let em walk
We’ll just drive by and keep waving
Cause you and I above all that
Just let them wallow in it
Now they all choked up, yuck
Cause they be swallowing it

[Chorus]
I don’t know, where you’re going
Or when you’re coming home
I left the keys under the mat to our front door
For one more chance to hold you close
I don’t know, where you’re going
Just get your ass back home

No one hold me down like you do sweetheart
You keep doing that, I keep doing this
We’ll be alright in the end
Trust that
We put the us in trust, baby
Let’s go

I don’t care what you’re after
As long as I’m the one, no
I don’t care why you’re leaving
You’ll miss me when you’re gone

[Chorus]
I don’t know, where you’re going
Or when you’re coming home
I left the keys under the mat to our front door
For one more chance to hold you close
I don’t know, where you’re going
Just get your ass back home.

i miss him. and he's back today, and he's leaving in 16 days. how am i supposed to feel?

love is not simple at all; it's very, very complicated and I'm slipping further and further away from who I am and who I used to be. :/

self proclaimed bad ass,

why does sin taste so god.damned.good.

fuck that.

2012-01-08T03:37:00.004+08:00

there's loyalty.

and commitment.

and trust.

fuck all of that.

betrayal is sweet, revenge is sweeter.

i look at you

and boy you are dangerous

you've got it written all over you

but i'm bulletproof baby

whatchu got to lose? ;)

love winter

2012-01-02T01:39:00.001+08:00

you're hot to the touch but cold to the core
when you give me less, i want more, more more.

love is not a feeling; it is a choice, a decision, an action.

i love you but maybe not enough,

you love me but maybe not enough

we are so flawed

we just fill the cracks for the temporary

but the winter is long and cold and it takes time to thaw

soon you'll leave me

like all of them do.

hehe.

2012-01-01T22:46:00.001+08:00

If you are required to take a urine test on short notice for employment or other purposes and you have recently smoked marijuana, you are probably going to fail the test. This is particularly true if you are a regular or heavy pot smoker.

TROLOLOLOL I'MMA FAIL THIS.

omg wtf bbq

2011-12-20T02:20:00.003+08:00

tell me
flirting or not!?
*face palm :P

i flirt also laaah. but maybe not that bad. not to tht extent? i think.

hell. we're all sinners anyway.

fuck this.

2011-12-20T01:22:00.004+08:00

i hate my goddamn fucking feelings.
fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.

fuck. both. of. you.

lol.

i understand. i understand why you're not as invested in this as me.
because you're leaving.
i feel your scratches. bruises form on my skin
you can't see them but i know they are there.
old scars, old wounds. this always happens.
if you look closely. you'd see imprints of you.
and the thick, heavy knowledge of the deceit.
i don't feel guilty.
and i hate that you affect me in this way.
i hate that i feel this way at all.
fuck. this. shit.

just shut up. quit talking to me, heart

2011-12-13T01:37:00.003+08:00

omfg

my heart

my mind is killing me

stop

fucking

obsessing

sarah

it does

not

matter

he does it

because

you do it too

and let's be honest. this isn't really going anywhere, is it?

;)

just talk that sexy talk to me

rip off the band aid,

come on, you know you want to do it,

pour salt in my wounds like I've done all along

it's always been there and i'm bleeding, hurting but

our humanity makes it worse and worse and worse.

it hurts me when you do it

but hey I do it too

so it makes us equal

this playing ground is equal

or is it?

there is more than meets the eye

i know for a fact you're a better person than I

revenge is a dish best served cold

and god, this never gets old

your touch and your taste

i will do this and i will do it for me.

protect my mind, protect my heart

the way i live life is an art.

not quite right

2011-12-12T01:21:00.005+08:00

so many things have happened.

i met him and honestly things just happened, without my expectations on the matter.

we've been together since.. november 8th. :O

and it's weird. when we're apart, sometimes i truly miss him, i do.

but maybe the sparks are smoldering, the butterflies have flown away.

HAHA.

or maybe i'm just a fickle-minded bitch.

anyway this ain't gonna be long term but i can't seem to let things go

I don't know how to chill.

god i need to learn how to fucking relaxxxx. :/

__________

sometimes i feel like i don't fit with you?

does that make sense?

curves scrape

hollows hurt

it just doesn't feel quite right, sometimes.

but with him the way we used to be was like

lightning -sparks

not all the time

but a deep and comfortable silence

the kind you can fall asleep in

the kind where when you're with that person

everything seems to fit

even when you're fighting

it's wrong of me to compare, so i won't.

it's wrong of me to talk like this, so i don't.

the problem with me is that i ask for too much. i shouldn't.

i want everything and i know you cannot give me that and i shouldn't ask you for that because it's not fair and it's not what we agreed on.

but you know humanity. given an inch, we want a mile.

and i. want. a motherfucking. mile.

we both have trust issues but for now just let me take care of you.

JUST LET ME TAKE CARE OF YOU.

dark chocolate

2011-11-22T02:24:00.004+08:00

you are sexy and illicit,

like dark chocolate in the middle of the night;

the way you excite.

the squares slipping slowly down your throat,

its bitterness warm and familiar;

yet it surprises you with its sweetness

on your tongue.

it is like falling into the arms of an old lover.

one who knows the mysteries that you hold

whispered secrets,

the kind of happiness that never grows old.

the other side.

2011-10-16T18:54:00.004+08:00

I told him I was leaving him.

"No." He said, his voice loud and urgent.

"This is wrong. This is wrong." I told him, my hands trembling by my sides. "You have a whole other life. You have her." I spat the words out bitterly.

"No." He repeated, grabbing my hand. His eyes search my face, earnestly.

"Don't leave."

"I have to."

"Don't." He draws close to me, his arms fold over me in an embrace. He holds me tight.

The silence between us lies thick, like a blanket over our shoulders.

The tears flow down my cheek.

"Don't cry." He smoothes my hair, kisses my forehead.

Our fingers intertwine. I feel my resolve crumbling, like soft sand slipping between the cracks of the pavement.

notorious.

2011-10-16T17:33:00.003+08:00

Mollie:
I'm a outlaw
I'm the big boss
I'm a gangster on the dancefloor
I'm a outlaw
I'm the big boss
I'm a gangster on the dancefloor

Rochelle:
Don't hold back
It's nice to see somebody make an effort
You know I like it in the street lights
Like I like the spotlight
Do you like me?

Vanessa:
I l-l-love this track
So if you wanna come with me you should know
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like this beat
Yes, crazy & infectious
I make it my business
B-boy my resume says I'm a bad girl

Oh...

Rochelle:
Oh so baby look in my eyes
Do you recognise me?
I've been a bad girl
I'm a bad girl
I'm notorious

Chorus
I'm a outlaw
I'm the big boss
I'm a gangster on the dancefloor
(N-n-notorious)
I'm a outlaw
I'm the big boss
I'm a gangster on the dancefloor
yrics/t/the_saturdays/notorious.html ]
Una:
Boy beware
I got a record and I'm known for my style
And everybody knows my name here
I'm the head of game here
Pleasure and the pain, yeah
Because my resume says I'm a bad girl

Oh...

Vanessa:
Oh so baby look in my eyes
Do you recognise me?
Oh...
I've been a bad girl
I'm a bad girl
I'm notorious

Notorious, notorious
N-n-notorious
I'm notorious

Chorus
I'm a outlaw
I'm the big boss
I'm a gangster on the dancefloor
The dancefloor
Oh...

Frankie:
So baby tell me
Can you get it from my energy?
Oh...
I've been a bad girl
I'm a bad girl
I'm notorious

Chorus
I'm a outlaw
I'm the big boss
I'm a gangster on the dancefloor (dancefloor)
I'm a outlaw
I'm the big boss
I'm a gangster on the dancefloor (dancefloor)
I'm a outlaw
I'm the big boss
I'm a gangster on the dancefloor

Vanessa:
Oh so baby look in my eyes
Do you recognise me?
I've been a bad girl
I'm a bad girl
I'm notorious

______

do you like what you see?

I'm a bad girl, even tho that's not what I seem.

I'm notorious; I like to dance it up

Tell the DJ to turn, turn, turn it up

I just can't get enough

of this beat; it's so sick

Pull me close,

Cos I like the way we click

Together like there's no end

Stop, stop, stop, stop

Pretending to be my friend.

just put your hands on me the way i like

let's do this, and do it right.

_____

I make the rules
so Imma let it do what it do
I won't make ya choose
but Imma get drunk how 'bout you?
and I never lose
cuz I know that I'm super cool
and I'm makin moves
I'm makin m-m-m-m-m-m-m-moves

Tell the DJ turn it up
Put more liquor in my cup
cuz I wanna p-p-party until I can't get enough
don't need diamonds don't need pearls
it's just me and all my girls
and we wanna p-p-party like it's the end of the world

i like to party. -Samantha Marq ft. Dev (The Cataracs Remix)

fuck your feelings.

2011-10-16T17:15:00.002+08:00

feelings.

i hate them.

they just fuck around with you.

messing with your head. your sleep.

your LIFE.

fuck off, feelings. go find someone else to bother.

preferably him. heheh.

thunderbolt

2011-06-21T01:26:00.005+08:00

; it's like everything and nothing has changed.

he kisses me, his mouth hard over me

and i feel a tear slip down my cheek.

i swallow hard; can't even speak.

________

cover me with your love, smother me,

it's been too long, too long, i just want to hear your lips part

in that sweet melodious song

________

when you look at me i forget to breathe.

suddenly things are clear, it's like i finally see.

_______

I miss my hand in yours,

how our fingers used to fit.

and the way love burst aflame;

a candle brightly lit.

_______

I don't want to be honest

because honesty hurts, the truth sucks and there's so many lies you can't even see what's real anymore.

darkness swallows me up

and I don't want to say a word

the truth just hurts.

dare i say it?

dare i acknowledge it?

when i see you my heart skips a beat

my smile stretches wide

but i know

there's somebody else who's there by your side

random stuff i've read that i liked (:

2011-05-08T22:57:00.002+08:00

i fucking hate you so much you have no fucking idea

you fucking hypocrite. FUCKING HYPOCRITE.

time still exists.

2011-03-23T23:51:00.003+08:00

i have so many dreams.
so many aspirations.
i long to do things that are bigger.
things beyond myself.
when i watch dance, something in me stirs.
i love the fluidity, the sheer silk smoothness as legs graze the floor, bodies weightless.

perhaps someday I will catch this magic, i want it to whisper in my dreams as the music flows in my veins.
love ignites the air on fire. i can feel it glowing with light.

time still exists. time still exists.

hmm

2010-12-04T01:53:00.001+08:00

may all your troubles be light
oh sweet sweet love of mine
fill my heart with emptiness
and bitterness divine.

______________________________
these three days have been awesome. but you know , there's always that little something just ruining it all.

let's start anew.

2010-08-08T02:05:00.004+08:00

hello.
i touch you, but your hands are frozen.
glued to your side.
i look around and suddenly i'm alone.
sadness washes over me like a tide.
i shiver.
so much distance, distance, between us.
this is not what i want.
is this what you want?
maybe you don't remember,
cos you always change your mind.
but i'm not yours.
not anymore.
not this time.

breathe in, breathe out.
there's someone who cares for you.
the storm is rolling in
and my patience's wearing thin
i reach for you but
your face is cold
i'm tired of this game;
it's getting old.
i don't want this.
i don't want things to be like this.
people change, you say.
but does that make everything okay?

i surge forward,
the letters in my hand.
i'm sorry i have to do this,
but i hope you understand.
little by little i'm letting go.
but i just want you to know.
i'll always always love you so.
this decision is hard to make
but this is the road i have to take.
let's cut a few of the threads that are holding us together
i need to do this to get through this weather
because i'm drowning in the state i'm in
i don't want to be the way i've been
you don't need to worry,
i'm not cutting you off completely.
but this is what i need to do.
i need to slowly loosen this grip i have on you.
that way you'll get what you want.
what you've always wanted.
the space you've always needed.
i know in my heart.

i no longer have a space in yours.

the way you used to care; the love that is no longer there.

an empty room where it was filled

with all the promises and dreams now killed.

so maybe this is the way things should be.

the way things ought to be.

you've made it very clear where things stand

so now things will go according to your plan

i'll take a step back

and watch as she takes my place

watch as our memories are slowly erased

replaced by fresh ones that won't fade away.

life is like that

it sweeps us off our feet

then it lets us down again

just to remind us where we are again,

truly flawed, selfish,

but gloriously human.

i will watch and stand by the sidelines.

but know this - i'll cheer for you until the day I die.

listen to these words and listen close,

there's always someone who loves you most.

how is it

2010-08-07T01:59:00.002+08:00

that i feel this way.

this bruised.

i'm hurting all over. god it hurts so god damn much

a deep deep ache inside my heart.

get a heart

2010-08-04T15:56:00.002+08:00

i think you need a trip to Oz, see if the Wizard can find you a heart.

don't like

2010-08-02T01:46:00.004+08:00

i've noticed i don't like who i'm becoming.

i'm selfish, inconsiderate, rude, short-tempered, sensitive.

overly emotional.

i'm sorry, to whoever's had to put up with me.

especially to my bestie.

i will try to be better.

i love you.

talk to me.

2010-07-27T21:26:00.004+08:00

in many ways, i still feel like a child.

i don't know where to go,.

i don't know what to do.

everything is changing.

the future is uncertain.

i hate change.

in short, i am resistant to change.

i like things the way they are.

if it ain't broke, why fix it?

the future scares me.

when i cannot rely on my constant.

i like things comfortable.

i like routines.

i like neat lines; squares.

boxes.

i like things when they work.

i like things falling into place.

have you ever felt you were slowly being driving insane by the people around you?

i feel like that is happening to me.

i can't sleep well at night.

i keep having these nightmares of people i love abandoning me. ignoring me. leaving me.

and this fear grips my chest, i wake up, gasping for air, sweaty and disoriented.

in the day i have panic attacks. irrational fears flooding my head; making me physically ill.

i cry and feel like such a child.

i'm probably over hormonal as i write this,

but goddamnit why does my life have to be so bloody screwed up???

and why isit that the ONE PERSON I USUALLY ALWAYS RELY ON

is suddenly so distant?

i feel like if i reach too far i will fall over the edge.

i know i am not alone.

i have friends.

but really, not everyone knows me like you do.,

so why can't you need me the way I need you?

because, i say to myself, life is like that.

there is always going to be someone who cares more in a relationship,

that is life, and it sucks

but maybe that's the beauty of it. and someday, maybe, i hope i pray,

they will open their eyes and realize,

who has been there since the very beginning.

i am grasping at straws, for a lifeline that was there, but isn't anymore.

i feel like i am so very flawed,

and that people can see.

i don't like people knowing i am this way.

so that is why I always pretend I'm okay.

a big fake smile plastered on my face.

talking about people's problems just make me feel my life doesn't quite suck so much.

which sounds mean.

but i'm just being honest.

and for that one moment i feel like my problems weigh less.

have you heard of secrets?

the weight of them can kill you.

beneath the surface

2010-07-05T07:10:00.003+08:00

use your head, woman.

you don't know shit.

this is all a farce.

a pretty little mask you can peel off.

i am drowning in the weight.

you can all

just screw off

for all i care.

there's so much going on beneath the surface.

and nobody cares.

nobody even fucking realizes.

leaving

2010-06-21T02:20:00.005+08:00

okay this aint the best photo of tim and i but whatever. :D
i'm leaving.

i have mixed feelings about this.

i'm leaving my best friend. for quite a while

i'm going to miss him so much.

but at the same time, i'm so excited to be seeing my brother after so long.

i'mma give him a big bear hug!

and he's going to take photos of me

hehehe

fingers crossed i get on the main page of lookbook?

shit.

i don't want to leave.

i don't want things to change.

can i just freeze time.

no, what i want to do, is go back in time when it was just us,

us against the world.

sigh

you, you, you,

why you always gotta be like this?

i'm slowly making my own path, it's for my own good,

you never loved me when you knew you should.

i got a new top today. and leggings! I LOVE LEGGINGS. and stockings. hehe.

i miss you, best friend, so much.

just between us.

2010-06-01T03:17:00.005+08:00

i feel like i'm stuck in a rut.
i want to get out but i don't know how.
FRUSTRATED.
D:
sigh.

________________________________
i feel like running away. ):
i think i need a therapist.
i hate these stupid fcking feelings. UGH.
i want to be a vampire in The Vampire Diaries, so I can shut my pain off.
but then again, that would be taking away my humanity.
):
and it's not like vampires exist anyway -_-

just like a star.

2010-05-29T02:06:00.004+08:00

A few albums I can listen to over and over again without feeling tired of them

Colbie Caillat's latest album 'Breakthrough'

Coldplay's 'X & Y'

Mat Kearney's 'City of Black and White'

Mat Kearney's 'Nothing Left to Lose'

everytime you look at me and smile, i swear my heart skips a beat.

and I feel like a star.

all happy and smiling and glowing.

Alive.

2010-05-28T01:23:00.002+08:00

when i'm with you, i feel like i'm alive.

because that's the way you make me feel.
happy.

i want to run away with you. (:
is that okay?

happy birthday, tim. best friends forever. i love you :)

2010-05-22T23:26:00.004+08:00

to my best friend, timothy au ming shern.

let's see, where do i begin??
:)
let's start from the day when I met you.
gosh. I thought you were soooo cute. (besides daryl hehe)
you and him were the cutest guys at the conference! :P
and I was sooo sad when I didn't get to see you on the last day of the carnival. HAHA
:(
and after that, you had a reaaaaallly bad (Second?) impression of me, cos you thought I was being perasan when I asked you,
'eh, you SURE you can sing ah?? sure ya?? cos like, alot of people think they can sing, but they can't really.'

now, i look back and LAUGH because i really sounded so full of myself when I asked you that.
HAHA! my apologies to this day.

cos I found out you're a super duper amazingly talented singer. and you've improved and i am SO SO proud of you for practicing and always trying to make your voice better. :)

and then I started talking to you on MSN cos you were the only one online at the time.

How glad I am, that I did that. Just think, we wouldn't be here today if it weren't for that.

It is rare that a friendship goes through hell and high water, and survives.

I am so very thankful for having someone like you in my life.

Someone I can just open my heart to, talk about everything under the sun (including clothes and computers :P)

seriously. how rare is our friendship?

i think it's like a dodo bird. or maybe one of those animals that are almost extinct. Haha

BUT I AM GETTING DISTRACTED FROM THE THEME OF THIS BLOG POST,

which is,

to wish you a very happy birthday.

But you know me lah, I can't help but be long winded about your birthday post. :P

so let's get on with it, shall we? :D

thank you for always tolerating me.

seriously.

I know there are some days when you mega want to strangle me,

but with much effort (and possibly cos u don't want to go to jail :P), you resist the urge to

i know there are some days when i'm just being a BITCH for no reason.

but still you tahan me

I really appreciate you being by my side.

Even though I may not show it sometimes, or say it.

But you mean so so much to me.

LIKE SERIOUSLY OKAY.

I treasure our friendship with ALL my heart.

ANYWAY, back to the subject (sorry :P)

Happy birthday!!!!!!!

I hope you have an awesome one, and that EACH year is BETTER than your last.

here's to being best friends, forever. :)

no matter what the future holds, I want you to know

I'll be beside you.

I love you, with all my heart.

More than words can say.

Thank you, for everything.

here's some random ass photos of us.

through the years. (sorry if some of them are ugly :P)

here's to 3 years and going stronggg.

hell yeah ;)

___

here's the post I wrote for you on facebook:

"Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say."- Anon

Best friend,
Thank you for listening to what I don't say.
Thank you for always being here for me.
And making me smile when I'm feeling unhappy.
We may fight like crap sometimes,
But I know you've always got my back.
And just know that I've always got yours.
You are seriously awesome.
I hope you know that.
And if you ever forget, well you know where to find me :)
I will remind you =D

Thank you for always accepting me the way I am,
Pushing me to become better,
And tolerating me when I'm having bad days.
Just knowing that you're beside me makes everything seem pretty okay.

I just want to say,
Have a very happy birthday!
And may your skies seldom be gray.
Best friends forever, hey?
(only word I could come up with that rhymes with gray , sorry, LOLOL :P)
I ♥ you.
:)

hugs.

musings.

2010-05-11T00:43:00.002+08:00

I turned and watched you kiss her.
A stab through my heart.
A sob in the dark.

That should be me.
________
watching music videos on Youtube! :D
i love this new series I've been following - The Vampire Diaries ? it is pretty BLOODY AWESOME. pardon the pun ;)
but seriously stefan and damon are drool worthy! :P
and elena is like the freaking best girl ever.
i wanna be like her.
i aspire to be like her!
:P

i will be the one who will not be moved.
i will stick to the promise I made.
no matter how hard it gets.

Happy Alone

2010-05-10T04:43:00.002+08:00

Listening to the One Tree Hill Season 5 soundtrack is seriously therapeutic.
I've just been in a songwriting frenzy nowadays.
Been upset the last 3 nights.
Just feeling crappy and shit.
I hate feeling this way.
Useless. Unwanted.
But I know I'm not. (:
I've got people who love me
So I keep telling myself.
Breathe. Be strong.
Someone loves you tonight.
But do you love me?
__
Earlimart's Happy Alone

Call in the airstrike, tell them to make the drop
and now she ate a cycle no-one but you can stop
Would it be fair to say that you're in love with love?
And is that enough?

I bet you feel really potent stuff
the shadows of doubt on how things turn out
are typically gray

But even the stucco on the wall
is right two times a day
and it's still enough

Just how much distance means we're on our own?
and can we be happy
Happy alone?

The universe opens up the door
and we go right in, it's there, it's new, it's cool
it's something we ain't seen before

And five minutes in
an egg timer rings
to clip off our carefree flapping wings
show us the things we can't afford
and throw us overboard
but it's still enough.

Just how much distance means we're on our own?
until i see you off at home
down the sidewalk in my head
I might be sinking like a stone
but perfectly happy
just openly happy

In my home, I've always known
I gotta be happy alone
so burn the mail, destroy the phone
yeah, I'd wanna be happy alone
the moving sky, the rocks below
All so perfectly happy alone

Our little hearts have turned to stone
I'd better be happy alone.

a song I wrote

2010-05-10T04:30:00.004+08:00

Took your number off my cellphone
I don't want it anymore
And the next time you come around
I'll be showing you the door

Cos' I'm tired of crying and fighting
I'm tired of this same old thing
You say you care but it don't seem that way
I just want to rewind the days

To a time when you'd love to speak to me
To a time when you wouldn't ignore me
To a time where we were both happy
Footloose and fancy free

She will love you
But will she love you like I do?
I've been standing in the same spot
That you left me standing in
I've been patient
but even that is wearing thin
I need you like I need air to breathe.
I need you to be the way you were, please?
___________

All I know is I want the old you back.
The one that values us.

trouble

a song I wrote - everytime I say it's over

2010-05-09T14:52:00.008+08:00

I'm done,
Waiting by the phone.
I'm so done,
I hate feeling alone.

Ignore my calls,
Ignore my texts,
I'm so done

I know you're over at her place
and I know you say I can't be replaced
But it sure feels that way,
it sure feels that way

Everytime I say it's over
I end up here again
Everytime I say it's over
You try and reel me in
Everytime I say it's over,
It's driving me insane

scared.

2010-05-09T03:07:00.002+08:00

sometimes i get these panic attacks at night.
my chest tightens in fear.
and for a few seconds i am just SO damn scared.
and i just cry and cry and cry.
and i don't know why.
i tell myself to breathe.
breathe.
count to ten.
everything's going to be alright.
no one will EVER hurt me this bad again.

annoyance

2010-05-01T13:01:00.002+08:00

I feel SO annoyed with you sometimes.
seriously I do.
i want to slap your face,.!
you don't call back when you say you will.
you don't text back.
It's such a big disgrace
I don't know where you are, or who you're with, or what you're doing.

I miss you and you say you do too.
But honestly I ain't really seeing it.
and I think I'm getting the flu (not again)

for you i will

2010-04-21T19:23:00.001+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wxOVn99FTE

i want to re-enact this video with you someday.
minus the piano bits, as my piano skills are sorely lacking :P

for you I will (:

love.

2010-04-21T14:10:00.006+08:00

it's been a long LONG time since I posted.
but I just want to speak out what's been on my heart, on my mind.
after going through another crazy episode, (those damn hormones)
when I feel so freaking lonely I'm just like bloody crying myself to sleep and resisting negative tendencies...

people have asked me why I still do this. how I'm so stupid. how I can't let go.
maybe that's not such a bad thing.

if you really cared about me, you wouldn't judge me. you would support me me and what (or who) makes ME happy. (fuck the haters haha :P)

and being with him makes me happy.

(you may feel free to leave the page now as I'mma go all SAPPY AND CHEESY on your ass)

I think I've found someone I've been looking for, my entire life.
Someone with whom I can truly be myself.
Someone who loves me, and does not judge me.

Someday, I hope we'll look back and laugh at how silly we were.
I hope even if things change, we'll always have this to hold on to.
The perfect moments.

You might have chemistry with her, but you have chemistry AND history with me.

; Lauren: Sounds like we're both far from perfect.

David: Maybe we're perfect for each other. -Melrose Place

; sometimes I wonder, what keeps me going? I can just give up and walk away. But this love fuels me on. I am determined to fight.

; Tell me how to win your heart, Cos I haven't got a clue, But let me start by saying, I love you...(: - Glee

scared

2010-04-05T05:15:00.004+08:00

Do you ever get scared when you think of the future?
cos I do.
when I think of you.
:/

lost

2010-04-05T04:48:00.004+08:00

have you ever come to the point when you don't know who you are anymore?
I feel like that sometimes.
I stare at the girl in the mirror and I don't recognize her.
who is this girl - this stranger? what is she doing living MY life?

I feel like I'm pounding on a door that will never break.
Screaming until my lungs are sore, but there is no one listening.
_

you are the only exception. -Paramore-
_

sometimes i feel like i'm trapped in a horrible nightmare.
an endless looping cycle of the same damn thing all over again.

i can feel myself on the brink of insanity.
i am in a cage i cannot break out of.
__
You're gonna fly with every dream you chase. You're gonna cry, but know that that's okay. Sometimes life's not fair, but if you hang in there, you're gonna see that sometimes bad is good. We just have to believe things will work out like they should.Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me, you're gonna be...

2010-03-31T00:19:00.004+08:00

To all the friends I have been close with last time but have no drifted apart.
There were good reasons, I promise you.

_________________________

I recently heard a rumor about me that was just totally slanderous and TOTALLY untrue.
It hurt me very much.
But a very wise person said to me that I shouldn't care because my REAL friends would know the truth.
And he is so right. Thank you, bestie :)

'“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”' Dr Seuss.

Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you!

There's always going to be bad stuff out there. But here's the amazing thing, light trumps darkness, every time. You can stick a candle into the dark, but you can't stick the dark into the light.
_______

Today, I watched America's Next Top Model. To be a model is so much more work than what most people think. Gosh. I would never want to be a model.
I love food too much :P
I watched Vampire Diaries. the plot thickens, as usual. LOL.
i watched Melrose Place. :) ahh how i love that show.
but mysteries frustrate me :P

I read something that sounded confusing today but after reading it a few times, I got it.
:D it was my friend's status.

My boyfriend has a girlfriend that has a boyfriend that has a girlfriend that is me :)

letter to my mother.

2010-03-30T23:08:00.003+08:00

dear mom,
why do you always think everybody is out to get you?
it is freaking annoying.
please stop treating me like a 6 year old.
i am 19.
not 6.
thank you very much.

_____________
i wish my mother would read all that.
i am so so frustrated with her.
stop
being
so
freaking
paranoid.
UGH!
!
#O!@#!#!()#!SFAKJFOSIOQWEQOPKMCLCA
sometimes
i
really
really
strongly
DISLIKE YOU!!!!

GRR ROAR__________________________

:(

2010-01-30T13:53:00.000+08:00

so much for my new year's resolution to blog more.
LOL
:D
FAIL

i hold you in my heart.

2010-01-13T03:24:00.003+08:00

I can't sleep. I'm thinking about you. How I belong with you. It's like catching lightning, the chances of finding someone like you. Who's to say who we are? I feel it in the air when we're together. A sense of comfort. A bond unbreakable. An electric current so thick you can feel it buzzing in the air. I love you. I hold you in my heart. I can't explain it, this feeling. I can't put it into words. But i can sure as hell try.

i love you more each day.

2010-01-13T00:18:00.005+08:00

my jobbbb

went okay.

but my parents are not too keen due to the distance away from me

:) oh welll

went to gym with bff today.

was extremely fun, as usual.

god, i'm such a fatty since the holidays been eating and sleeping and going out onlyyyyy

tonight was one of the best nights. :)

i feel like i'm walking on air.

"You’re what kept me alive. The thought of you. The way your eyes look into mine. Your smile. The touch of your skin. Your lips. Whether I die tomorrow or fifty years from now, my destiny is the same: it’s you. I want to be with you."

-Roswell-

"It’s so easy, to think about love, to talk about love, to wish for love, but it’s not always easy, to recognize love, even when we hold it… in our hands."

-Jaka-

Shammie's tumblr has reaaally cool pics and quotes (:

recent happenings

2010-01-11T01:59:00.004+08:00

I signed up for Nuffnang.

i have no idea if it works, but yeah, what the hell right

okay.

i'm going to make it a point to start blogging daily.

cos cos like.

i have nothing better to do anyway?!

LOL

tmr is my first day working, i hope it goes well

i love my new baby (:

i went to school today, joseph and david didn't listen to me

however, jasmine tells me they dont listen to many ppl so yeah

teaching kids is waaaayy more hard work than i ever expected.

props to kindie teachers :O

breathing is awesome

2010-01-10T02:31:00.003+08:00

i get soooo bloody frustrated sometimes

why must you be such a f!#^*#@ assface

seriously

this is the thanks i get?!

so much for appreciation and you must take out your bloody anger on me

IS ANY OF IT MY f!@%%#!# fault you tell me?!

jofjoewirowerwoirwiruweiruwe

now that that's over.

on another note

wtf

up with my effing ares?!

seriously its making my life a living hell

bah

haha

im so mood swingy

i couldn't breathe last night.

it was scary.

my throat hurt like crazy too even after i drank shitloads of water

had to wake mum and dad up at 1.30 am and take me to the nearest 24 hr clinic

i think it was an allergic reaction, but to what?! o.O

he put a breath mask on me, the kind to clear your lungs

god, it felt so good to BREATHE normally.

seriously i never appreciated breathing so damn much before.

this kinda thing has NEVER happened to me before.

he gave me pills

best friends forever.

2010-01-05T16:00:00.005+08:00

you gave me so many albums!
i don't know which to listen to, for a start.

i miss you

2009 to 2010 and going stronggg

trust is difficult.

2010-01-04T23:34:00.005+08:00

i hate how this new year is starting. I should be with you. You should be with me. This is fucked up. I spent so much time with you in the holidays. You made me fall in love with you again. I hate it. I hate this feeling of losing control. And yet when you look at me in that way i forget that I hate it. You have so much power over me. You make me so happy. And at times you make me so angry I want to throw things at you. I want to be with you in spite of all the bad times. Gah. Fuck it. I'm destined to be alone. Now school is starting the whole cycle will begin again. I know it. I don't know how to fully trust in you again. I'm always afraid to lose you. Yet what do I have to lose? There isn't anything between us anyway. Sigh.

don't hurt me.

please. i'll try to trust you. if only you don't hurt me.

i don't care.

2009-12-21T01:34:00.001+08:00

i miss you. like an ache under my skin.

i've been seeing you consecutively for the past 3 days.

and i love every minute of it.

fighting with you.

driving each other crazy.

HAHHAA. we annoy each other SO much.

but,

i swear nothing beats this crazy feeling of being young

and in love.

i don't care, i don't care

i'm just going to enjoy being in this moment

being with you.

break me down

2009-12-15T02:15:00.004+08:00

i hate that you can see through me.

i hate that you can hurt me.

i hate that my trust means so little to you.

____________

i could use somebody.

someone like you.

_______

i swear sometimes, i'm so tired of running.

I run and i run and I run and i RUN

but i can never run faster than you

and I am so so tired.

i want to quit.

____

i'm yours if you can break down these walls tonight

there, photos of my short hair :D

(:

2009-12-13T00:20:00.004+08:00

i've given you my heart,

and i can't say i want it back.

sometimes i do.

but most of the time i feel

the same

old butterflies

in my tummy

is it my fault?

is it yours?

I just want to be with you.

what is so wrong with that?

those people, those voices, they won't leave me alone

but you and me; a beautiful dream

a wish i always hold close to my heart.

i want you you you

nobody but you.

can't you see

that you're the only one for me.

not good enough.

2009-12-06T03:38:00.006+08:00

those words you said. More than i can bear. Each word cuts into my skin. Blood drips on the floor. 'Say it,' I command you. 'Just say it and get it over with.' 'You're not good enough for me. You will never be good enough for me.' . I want this pain to go away. I want the cuts to heal. The bruises no one sees. no one who knows the real me.

i remember.

2009-12-06T02:33:00.003+08:00

i walk my life with two parallels
by my side.
love and hate
i hate you but my love is stronger.
does that make sense?
i still remember.
i have the scars to prove it.

2009-12-03T00:41:00.002+08:00

i dont think anybody reads my blog
lol
or , the number of people who do, i can actually count with one hand
x)

'he slipped his hands around her waist and she leaned back into him with a smile full of love- that simple intimate gesture, as I stood staring at the couple, made me ache with longing. '

it sucks that i miss you but i do.

2009-11-26T01:30:00.001+08:00

wtfbbq!!!
i always thought that was funny
:P
anyway i'm on HOLIDAYS baby
so been watching One Tree Hill and 90210 and Melrose Place aand GOssip girl and Ugly Betty and movies like Centre stage : turn it up and The Day the earth stood still
i am so unproductive hahahaha
i hope kayjen and jireh are faring better:)

i miss bestfriend @!#_!$!_

ahhh

2009-11-12T22:41:00.010+08:00

Chris Lowell is freakin hot it should be a bloody crime! :) :) :)

heeheeeheee

kayjen came over after school today, we had an awesome time bonding over picking pix and pigging out on Lindt's raisin and nut chocolate ooh and digestives:P :)

she stayed for dinner and we ate fried rice and kunyit chicken and OOH wedges (LOL im such a blonde i typed kitchen instead of chicken just now :S )

she played guitar and we sang ignorance :D

even though my timing suxxorssss

she's awesome (:

i'm really glad i got closer to her this yearrrr

wooohtehhhh

her blog makes me laughest to the maximums!!!

and GUYS (meaning kayjen... and um.. whoever else thinks i am :D) i am not perasan i just pretend to be sometimes

HONEST!!!!

i actually have quite alot of LSE

ask sarah tan :P

been shopping loads lately. ONLINE shopping, that is. it's terrible :S

i'm broke.

seriously

anyone wanna sponsor me moneyyy

went out for lunch with ian the other day :)

had a good time being silly as usual

=) he chose an awesome gift for eunice too

SHE BETTER APPRECIATE IT, it cost bloody alot

talk about being a super nice friend

he waited for me too after vocal

:) IAN ROCKS!!!

im so disappointed carrie didn't win anything at the CMA's

taylor swift IS awesome but... carrie is awesome too

don't let taylor take all the awards, guys!!!!!!

had a weird chat with my parents in shanghai, thru skype

HAHA weird as in.. duno

i miss them, but i also like my freedom

it IS liberating:)

really so.

tomorrow gonna do eyebrows and shopping with jasmine!!!

awesomeness, can't wait

i sound so bloody vain but im not, i swear

i have my shallow moments la okayyyyy

watched the 'time traveler's wife' with bff

it was okay. maybe 5/6 out of 10

but either way a huge letdown

even though i cried at the end

yes i am a sap la sue me

but time with bff is always aLWAYS awesome :)

cept when we fight, but its fun fighting sometimes

like play fighting i mean :D

i am addicted to david archuleta's song touch my hand

its baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad

some girl who didn't know me called me pretty. she saw some photos of me. she's a friend of kayjens. WAU thank u heidy even tho i dont know you

u rock :D

seriously i got Low self esteem even tho i pretend i don't sometimes

so that was a total boost of CONFIDENCE

chris invited me clubbing but im lazy

i feel like..

MAYBE ONCE i"M DONE WITH SCHOOL

WOOHOOO PARTY BABY

:D:D:D:D:D:D

okay im high now

KAYJEN ITS UR FAULT U MAKE ME HAPPY WHEN SKIES ARE GRAY :)

haha

HUGS TO EVERYONE JUST CAUSE IM FEELING HAPPY NOW

jireh is silly

but also awesome :) cos i got to know him better too, this year

and well i'm so glad i did.

he's overanxious and paranoid and worries too much about small things (sounds like me o.O) and vERY metro BUT.....

he's a good friend :)

p.s: i realize i sound like im promoting kayjens blog the whole way LOL

bored

2009-11-11T00:23:00.006+08:00

wai la facebook so dem retarded wont lemme upload pix what is disssss
cis cis cis

01. Who was your last text from? mum :)

02. Where was your default picture taken? peacehaven, genting

03. Your relationship status? Single but unavailable :D (i think :P).

04. Have you ever lost a close friend? yes :S

05. What is your current mood? mmhmm:).

06. How many siblings do you have? 1

07. Whats your brother(s)/sister(s) names? josh.

08. Where do you wish you were right now?with someone i love :).

09. Have a crazy side? UH. DUH. that's like asking me if my favorite color is pink:P

10. Ever had a near death experience? so many times i lost count. :S

11. Something you do a lot? i get emotional easily. haha

12. Angry at anyone? not right now.

13. What's stopping you from going for the person you like? umm. too many barriers.

14. When was the last time you cried? sunday, at 'make it happen' the movie. STOP ROLLING UR EYES. it was a video about her mum and the protagonist of the show :P

15. Is there anyone you would do anything for? yes.

16. What do you think about when you are falling asleep? loads of random crap. are whiskers itchy?

17. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? best friend :)

18. What is your favorite song? currently, Touch my hand by David Archuleta

19. What are you doing right now? i'm doing this tag.

20. Who do you trust right now? nobody i can think of, sadly

21. Where did you get the shirt you are wearing now? it's a dress, my maid bought for me

22. Have you kissed someone in the past week? no

23. Who is your friend that lives closest to you? chloe!!!:D

24. Describe your life in one word? confusing

25. Who are you thinking of right now? david archuleta haha thinking what an awesome song this is:D

26. What should you be doing right now? work

27. What are you listening to? Touch My hand by david archuleta

28. Who was the last person who gave you a hug? umm. i can't remember.

29. Who was the last person who yelled at you? i think mum.
30. Do you act differently around a person you like? eep, i think so

31. What is your natural hair color? black. or very very dark brown.

32. Who was the last person to make you laugh? best friend!

33. Who was the last person to make you sad? best friend also. CIS.

34. What do you hear? music laaa -_-

35. Is your hair curly or straight? wavy

36. Has anyone ever called you "scrumptious" before? mm but i'd like somebody to :D

37. Do you have a best friend? yeah of course :)

38. Held hands with the opposite sex in the past 3 days? no

39. Do you use smiley faces on the computer? UH DUH. does pamela anderson have fake boobs?
40. Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? yes, HAHA

41. Are you happy with life right now? sure i'm happy. as i can be.

42. Are you currently jealous? sometimes
43. What jewelry are you currently wearing?.nada

44. What were you doing on Friday night? CG.

45. Have you ever had your heart broken? yes

46. Have you ever broken some one's heart? i hope not O.o

47. Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now? yes.

48. What was the last reason you went to the doctor for? sickla

49. How late did you stay up last night and why? late. about 2 ish

50. Have you ever dated someone longer than a year? no

drama free

2009-11-10T00:37:00.004+08:00

i don't know why some people like drama in their lives.
i don't know why people like CREATING drama
i mean, wtf
i've gone thru enough drama to want a simple, happy life.
i have trust issues but who can blame me right?
kena burned too many times.
i'm addicted to David Archuleta's 'Touch My Hand'
:D
so nice

i'm getting dresses online,
parents went overseas yay
gonna buy stuff for me
:D
Hahaha
but i'mma miss them too
:)
awards nite this sunday!!!!
EEEE
cannot wait

false eyelashes attempt no 1 ROCKED
:D:D:D

2009-11-06T17:14:00.002+08:00

pick your poison, girls.

____

I've got exams tomorrow and I'm overspending as usual. ugh. need to earn money!
damn scared about maths
i'm worried about next year,
what am i gonna do?
lol.
I love Kristinia DeBarge's Album. super duper nice
:D
love her voice
OMG CAN'T WAIT TO BUY CARRIE UNDERWOOD and COLBIE CAILLAT'S ALBUM!!!
:D:D:D
i miss my best friend!

2009-10-25T01:38:00.003+08:00

you, you, you warm my heart.
and i am reminded of how much I love you.
I do, I do, I do.

-if my heart was a house, you'd be home.- Owl City.

__
went for brekkie with the best friend today :)
expensive, but worth it. =)
i always enjoy the time we have together.
came back home slept, and went to church later.
wore my black blazer with rusty silver button that i bought from the tailor's
(the button, not the blazer x)
my white paneled zippered skirt and my black shirt
and my mother's vintage necklace and my black leopard print heel pumps :D
i wanted to wear my new rings from Diva
but decided they didn't go with my outfit
:P

haha the video got unveiled today.
response was goodddd
:D
so embarassing la, what i was doing at the beginning :X

oh welll it's for the greater good i guess?:P

updates

2009-10-24T02:44:00.006+08:00

oh oh my
look what you've done
go away now,
you've had your fun

kill me i'd rather be dead than in this moment
i try and try to lose my head
but you seem to always be here

__________
watched mariah carey's 'obssessed' live.. damn that girl can sing super high notes. jealous.
are those even notes on a piano?
omg
:s
crazy

i tried on a sweetheart neckline black lace full length zipper dress.
nice, but too much cleavage
x(

i really wish my boobs were smaller sometimes
haha!

i downloaded all the OC soundtracks
omgomg i love indie music so much

and photography

been watching Gossip girl
and desperate housewives.
i love Gossip girl fashion

i got two rings from Diva that says ROCK and ROLL
:D
OMG so happy
wanted them before, but it was rm 40 bloody expensive, i'll say
but they were on saleeeee
I nearly died of happiness . it totally made my day

been shopping alot lately
:S
its badddd
ahhaha
i'm brokee.. more or less
bah
SAT is difficult but i thnk i can do it
:D
*crosses fingers

___

oh, the fabric of your flesh, pure as a wedding dress.

so sweet.

unfair

2009-10-20T12:34:00.002+08:00

it's so unfair
that's she's so nice
and pretty and smart
and everything I'm NOT
and i want to kill her, i do.
oh i am an evil evil, person.
i don't deserve to be your friend.

i am going to die, cold, bitter, and alone.
:)

i hate you, by the way. :)
both of you.

2009-10-11T23:46:00.003+08:00

it's no secret that I'm in love with you.
i hate that it has to destroy us in two.

_
he's a good-time, cowboy casanova,
take it from me.
i know you're running, you're trying to hide
but let me tell you
you're outta time
he'll get your heart and
break it apart
and you'll never know what hit your pretty little head.
he'll shoot his poison tipped arrow
and boom you're dead.

a photo speaks a thousand words

2009-10-01T20:55:00.004+08:00

FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD!

galen's post birthday dinner at Tony Roma's in Mid Valley

eeeyer

stupid blogger damn slow lahhh

:S:S:S

gah. more pix up when my internet's not acting like such a PMSey TOOT!!!!

:D:D:D:D

i love carolyn!!!

:):)

haha

she's the bomb diggetty FRESH!

and i love lace

lace

and gold vintage buttons

and silver sailor vintage buttons

pretty:)

tired

2009-09-27T01:39:00.003+08:00

i'm tired of being here.

i feel a chill go through my body.

i wrap my arms around myself.

and wish desperately for you.

it's stupidity, it's true.

i hate you, you know.

guess what?

2009-09-04T00:55:00.004+08:00

i think i'm a little bit in love with you, but only if you're a little bit in love with me.
promise me,
but you won't;
you stubborn stubborn boy!
you'd never let those words cross your lips
you treat me like i'm just a toy
causin' me these sleepless nights
honey, i don't wanna fight
not tonight.
let's just be happy.
enjoy this sweet single rare solitary moment.
i feel like i'm at home with you
and all love songs remind me of you.
(:

crash and burn

2009-09-03T23:39:00.001+08:00

i don't wanna crash and burn

don't wanna go too fast

wanna be with you

wanna see this through

wanna make this last

forever

losing battle

2009-09-02T22:24:00.002+08:00

when you look my way, i swear i lose my breath

escape

2009-09-02T22:21:00.002+08:00

you're so cute it should be a crime

the way you drive me out of my mind

we're running out of time

so let's jumpstart the engine baby

and ride out of town tonight

more songs

2009-09-02T21:43:00.003+08:00

you'll sit by me and we don't even have to talk, just day dream until we both fall asleep.

because with you i can just be me.

we'll lie on the grass

and talk about love

and how we used to be.

freedom is taken for granted until you're free.

the last kiss

2009-09-02T21:35:00.002+08:00

a heart of stone, a smoking gun

it's over now

you've had your fun

there's holes in my heart

where you stepped on it and tore it apart

i'm caught inside the memories, the promises, the yesteryears

and i belong to you

sometimes when Monday's blue

i close my eyes and think of you

even though i'm not supposed to.

what i wish for.

2009-08-24T14:20:00.000+08:00

it's a pity ,
a sad, sad thing
a crying shame!
that things gotta turn out this way.
i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss you
but i do, every single day.
i wish for your voice on the phone
your arms to hold me so
i won't feel quite so alone
give me a little time
i'm not made of stone.

2009-08-23T18:30:00.002+08:00

omg my hair looks so good today, it's unbelievable
and i got a compliment on my outfit today.
very 'blair' by Gossip Girl.
now, now, i know ya'll be rolling your eyes and saying how i'm so unlike Leighton Meester who is like super skinny.

but she said my OUTFIT
:D
YAY!!!!
so happy.
i know i sound damn perasan and narcissistic now, sorry. :P
i don't look good very often le, gimme a break
HAHA :D
:)

2009-08-23T17:54:00.001+08:00

I come home

And I find myself alone again

And I need your voice on the phone

To remind me of how brave I am

i would rather die than admit it.

seriously.

these walls aren't thick enough to keep out those ghosts.

2009-08-23T00:20:00.002+08:00

that single moment
before you kissed her
there were stars in her eyes.
did you miss it?
were you too busy looking for yourself?
solitary, and beautiful.
it's time she wrote her own story now.
anyway, electricity is seriously overrated.
:)

goodbye

2009-08-22T23:39:00.001+08:00

Am I supposed to put my life on hold
Because you don't know how to act
And you don't know where your life is going
Am I supposed to be torn apart, broken hearted, in a corner crying?
Pardon me if I don't show it
I don't care if I never see you again
I'll be alright
Take this final piece of advice and get yourself together,
But either way baby, I'm gone

Chorus:
I'm so over it, I've been there and back
Changed all my numbers and just in case you're wondering
I got that new
I'm a single girl swag
Got me with my girls and we're singin' it (sing)
Na na na na, na na na na
Hey hey hey
Goodbye
Na na na na, na na na na
Hey hey hey
Goodbye

Cut my hair 'cuz it reminded me of you
I know you like the long 'do,
Had to switch my attitude up
Thinkin' of changing up how I ride, No more
On the passenger side
Too bad you miss out on the way that I drive it
I don't care if I never see you again
I'll be alright
Take this final piece of advice and get yourself together,
But either way baby, I'm gone

Chorus:
I'm so over it, I've been there and back
Changed all my numbers and just in case you're wondering
I got that new
I'm a single girl swag
Got me with my girls and we're singin' it (sing)
Na na na na, na na na na
Hey hey hey
Goodbye
Na na na na, na na na na
Hey hey hey
Goodbye

Hey hey, hey hey hey
Goodbye

Chorus:
I'm so over it, I've been there and back
Changed all my numbers and just in case you're wondering
I got that new
I'm a single girl swag
Got me with my girls and we're singin' it (sing it)
Na na na na, na na na na
Hey hey hey
Goodbye
Na na na na, na na na na
Hey hey hey
Goodbye

Goodbye
Na na na na, na na na na
Hey hey hey
Goodbye
Na na na na, na na na na
Hey hey hey
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye

never again.

2009-08-22T23:27:00.004+08:00

i'm cutting my hair,
and changing my clothes,
you won't even recognize me.
i wish i could say i hate you.
and maybe i do, just a little bit.
but right now.
i @#!)#!)#!)#!)@#%(^(#$%@#%@$@ want to kill you
and all your pretty little lies.
i want you out.
now.
here's what you did.
you broke my heart.
stepped on it, and broke it apart.
no more, not this time.
you will no longer be a part of my life.
i'm wiping you out.
thank you for everything.
but tonight's going to be a good, good night.
i've got a feeling.

2009-08-21T15:07:00.001+08:00

can you kiss someone without feeling anything?
because that's how she feels when she kisses you.
she told me,
but i swore to never tell a soul.
i'm sorry i had to be the one to tell you this.

2009-08-12T09:17:00.001+08:00

there is no time to stay.
for people who don't want me around.
it makes no sense, really.
to be in a place
where all they want is
for you to go away.

dollhouse

2009-08-12T01:53:00.008+08:00

I LOVE DOLLHOUSE!!!!!!!!!!
freaking.best.show.ever. :D
seriously.
LOVE.
haha.
i love Ugly Betty.
and kyle xy. but not so much. haha.
kyle is SO cool though.
and he and jessie are electric.

2009-08-06T04:25:00.002+08:00

i'm feeling a little lonely tonight
a little blue
the darkness is cold tonight
can i stay here with you?
it's our thing,
to fight until we're crazy,
someday maybe...
i love you.
_______

:(

2009-07-30T23:01:00.004+08:00

the way you get me into you,

is amazing,

that look, your style,

your smile,

it drives me wild.

______

tuning into 'Copeland's -Chin Up-'

watching Heidi Montag's videos are burning my eyes.

and ears.

seriously

that girl CANNOT sing

and she's hot but that's about it

OMG

how ppl get famous nowadays -_-

SUNDAY was AWESOME. but crazy. and adventurous.

HAHA

I love kristinia debarge!!

dislike jordin sparks' new song Battlefield

i like Colbie Caillat's one though:D

I LOVE DEMI LOVATO I WANT TO BUY ALL HER ALBUMS

:D:D:D

i miss my bro

it gets lonely at home

2009-07-25T20:45:00.003+08:00

Let's start by correcting ya tone

Lower ya finger, don't be comin' at me

With condescending demeanor

We both know that ya dead wrong

And what makes it worse you don't even have the nerve

To ever say that you're sorry

You're never wrong and i'm never right and

You win all the rounds and every fight

That's why

Can't stay another day when you're always

Getting your way, you just keep getting your way

You just keep getting your way, ya selfish!

So i decided not to get in your way

It's time to do it my way and that means

Getting away from you, ya selfish!

How is it that you can look at us and only see you

You can look at one but, never would you ever see two

You can live a lie and never be true

It's so funny now, how completely i can see you

You're never wrong and i'm never right and

You win all the rounds and every fight

That's why

Can't stay another day when you're always

Getting your way, you just keep getting your way

You just keep getting your way, ya selfish!

So i decided not to get in your way

It's time to do it my way and that means

Getting away from you, ya selfish!

No, we don't need to talk

Ain't nothin' left to say

You got everythang ya want

Go ahead and grab ya cake

I know what's best for me

We go our separate ways

Leaving you with everything

Even all the pain

Can't stay another day when you're always

Getting your way, you just keep getting your way

You just keep getting your way, ya selfish!

So i decided not to get in your way

It's time to do it my way and that means

Getting away from you, ya selfish!

___

that song was sung by 'Asia Cruise' and I love it.

so today was an epic failure.

remind me to never trust anyone's word again. bah.

greg was sooo cute though. and he's so nice too.

he's taken though. (figures all the good guys are -_-)

and he and aleena are sooo cute together la.

she's such a sweetheart.

like rough at the edges and all but deep down she's got this whole girl-next-door thing for her.

i must admit i damn jealous la.

I WANT BOYFRIEND TOO LA

GOSH IS IT TO HARD TO FIND SOMEONE WHO'S NOT MEAN, DOESN'T CHEAT, IS FAIRLY CUTE, FUNNY, LOYAL, COMMITTED AND SMART?

I mean.

geez.

haha but i still believe in true love.

i don't care if you call me naive. or stupid.

went out on Thurs with Crys to Mid Valley. was cool catching up with her after like ages.

was fun to skip school too :P

went to Laundry Bar later that night to watch Isaac Ravi and the band with Prema Yin :)

i'm so damn stubborn about certain things.

i'm quite overly sensitive sometimes.

scary la how like her i can be.

i don't want it to be so.

gah.

a photo of me on Janelle's temporary room in Malaysia

_________

i've given up on you.

the best way is just to let you be.

every time we get too close you push me away.

but then again it's what i do with everyone else.

so maybe it's just that

what goes around comes around.

tuning into Paramore. Secondhand Serenade. OneRepublic.

i'm gonna swim till I drown,

eventually we all fall down.

2009-07-23T01:41:00.002+08:00

i am totally inspired to write a post on love on the datingish site.
HAHA
i am such a sap.
face it.
no matter that i've been burned before. (once bitten twice shy, they say)
and that's true for me
but I STILL BELIEVE IN L-O-V-E.
i will fight for it to the death.
true love exists in the world.
even if it's not for me.
:p
no but on a serious note i am a sappy loser
x)
i LOVE love
:)

2009-07-15T02:45:00.002+08:00

wish list:
boyfriend blazer
zippered dress
ripped tights
lace tights
frayed denim shorts
SUSPENDERS
gold studded belt
rose headband
studded gladiator heels/wedges/sandals that aren't toooo strappy (hate those)
jumpsuit!
plain black semi high waisted skirt
those layered necklaces

2009-07-10T04:03:00.000+08:00

OMG
just read Deathly Hallows again.
I LOVE HARRY POTTER. AND GINNY WEASLEY.
AND RON. AND HERMIONE.
AND DUMBLEDORE.
LOL. but
seriously r and h's loyalty towards harry. so sweet. wanna cry, it's so touching. and
severus!!!!!!
OMG. he's the awesomest everrr.
____
3. You can't help who you love, and the only person you have to be honest with is yourself. If they were really your friends , they would understand that.

__________
i am selfish, i am wrong, i am right, i swear i'm right, swear i knew it all along,
but i am flawed, i am cleaning up so well.
:)
love it.
the event on saturday. not an epic failure, okay, maybe almost.
hope the upcoming events go well. :D *crosses fingers.
in the meantime, i ordered a boyfriend blazer.
and I LOVE LAYERING.
ahahah vintage love baby!

2009-07-04T01:20:00.000+08:00

in that one beautiful moment.

she realizes she's alone.

2009-06-26T21:28:00.003+08:00

been busy cleaning out my room

i'm sick

don't think it's swine flu though

no fever

sandra got it, poor thing

but hospital treated her and let her out

just in time for her birthdayyyy

i didn't meet her so to all people i've met in the past 7 days don't worry ya!!

i have loaaaaads of stuff, i've never realised

loads of jewelry, clothing, shoes, NOTEBOOKS, pens, pencils, CDs, etc

OMG

crazy

those who don't knoiw me who might think i'm boasting.. i'm really not..

sham, you would know i'm not boasting

(but u have alot of stuff too HA :P )

and yet i want more more MORE

like the cookie monster

somebody shoot me

i want a huge room with 1000000 huge cupboards for all me stuff :( :(

and now i shall post photos of random stuff!

my eyes after putting blue mascara and blue eyeliner

hmmm

what do you think???

experimenting with makeup

your football jersey :)

i miss you!

confession

2009-06-01T18:58:00.004+08:00

i confess i'm feeling a little tired.
burned out.
emotionally worn.
numb.
sad.
every day it's sinking in a little deeper.
i feel like i'm alone.
but i know I'm not.

~tuning into 'Britt Nicole's 'Don't Worry Now'~
"Don't Worry Now"

[CHORUS]
When you feel like you are all alone
Just like your best friend up and gone
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
I've been there yeah, I know how it feels
To wonder if love is even real
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
It's gonna be ok

I've been trying to find a way to understand
When I can't see the picture of God's plan
Why would He let us hurt so bad?
Could anything good come of these feelings that I have?
He loved me more than the sand on beaches
He loved me more than the grass is green
And even though he had to go I always knew his love was part of me

When you feel like you are all alone
Just like your best friend up and gone
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
I've been there yeah, I know how it feels
To wonder if love is even real
Don't worry now
Don't worry now

It's taken so long to let this go
It's taken so long to feel that
Your right here next to me
And I can finally breathe
It's taken so long but now I know
I had to find out on my own
When nothing could convince me
Your love it convinced me
That it's gonna be ok

When you feel like you are all alone
Just like your best friend up and gone
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
I've been there yeah, I know how it feels
To wonder if love is even real
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
It's gonna be
It's gonna be ok

2009-06-01T05:11:00.010+08:00

This is the second time I'm crying over Yu Vern's passing away.
'Why?' You might say.
Well, Yu Vern and I were not close. I barely even talked to him other than the occasional 'hi bye how are you' and perhaps other random exchanges of words.
but he was in my old circle of friends.
and that, in itself, cuts close to the heart.
You know how when you're young you think you're invincible?
like you can do anything, be anyone. live forever.
That's not true at all.
Life is fleeting.
As I'm typing this tears are blurring in my eyes.
I feel like this is sinking in my heart for the second time.
I've just read the letter my old best friend, Roanne, wrote to Yu Vern when she found out about the horrible news.
And a part of me wants to rage at God.
'It's not fair, God.
'It's not fair at all. He was so young.'
And I blame myself for not being closer to him. not trying harder to talk to him, to be his friend. .most importantly, to tell him about Jesus. I hope he had time to make peace with the Heavenly Father before slipping away.
I hurt for you, Roanne Lau.
You were my best friend and that kind of big thing from the past never leaves you.
Perhaps we are different now, we don't really talk.
But I still care for you very much
I wish this had never happened.
And I hate that this had to happen
to the boy you love.
Love hurts.
It really does.
This time I can write with the experience of one who has had my heart broken before.
This pain is different from me, slightly similar, yes,
and so fresh., the wound will hurt like hell.
I'm so sorry this happened.
None of us understand why it had to happen.
I know people say 'God has a reason for everything' and i've always thought it was SO freaking cliched.
and it IS. but it's so true.
I wish I could do so many things now.
Fly over to Australia and give you a hug.
Go out with you and talk about all the things under the sun.
Hurt with you, cry with you.
Tell you that you're NOT alone.
Tell you that 'I'm here for you'
because I never really was there for you,
I haven't been, not for a long time anyway.
And this time I want to do the right thing.
I want to look back and not regret my life.
Even now it's so hard for me to believe he's gone.
one of my friends.
but I think,
if this hurts for me,
this must be a living hell for YOU.
As I'm looking at his photos,
I'm glad you had some time with him.
It's good that you loved him and that he loved you back.
Love is so rare to come by nowadays.
Even for a short while,
but it's better to have loved and lost, then never loved at all.
It's so difficult to find someone to love you back.
But you found it.
Don't let this make you stop loving, Row.
Because love is one of the strongest substances in the world.
Besides faith.
Don't give up on it, Roanne.
Don't give up on life. love. faith. hope. God.
Because he would never want that for you.
And despite my not knowing him very well I am sure he would want you to continue living;
yes, living life to the fullest.
I don't know how to express what I'm feeling in words.
But I'm here for You.
God is here for you.
He loves you, way more than I ever could.
Talk to Him
and then talk to me.
Trust me.
This is probably the darkest time in your life.
and it's not good to let the darkness cloud your thoughts,
don't let it consume you
to become bitter, angry at God.
I've been there before, and it's not a good place to be.
Let your friends and family be there for you, to comfort you, to love you
Don't push us away.
It's okay to cry. it's not a sign of being weak. we find strength in one another and in God.
Let us be here for you. We are all in this together.
I know you have been a positive influence in Yu Vern's life, because that's how who you are.
You've always been a good person, a shining light to others.
Continue to do that..
Take care, Rowie.
I love you.
may God give you the strength to face each day.
__

I found this online.
and I thought the words are so true.

The title is: For Everything God Has A Reason

I thought in my heart that I’d give up and die,
for the voyage was rough and why should I try?
I floundered around in a turbulent sea
while the billowing waves kept crashing on me.

The storms raged wildly and the waters rose high;
I knew I was drowning and I cried, "Lord, why?"
I heard a voice answer; it seemed to descend
from out of the clouds and the violent wind.

Then God whispered to me, "I see you down there,
swimming alone in your black sea of despair.
I‘ve watched as you struggled in life‘s hurricane;
I’ve patiently waited till you called My name.

The waters are swift and it’s so hard to sail,
for when you ignored Me I commanded a gale.
I sent the waves crashing in hopes you would see
that you couldn’t survive without help from Me.

If your life were easy and storms never came,
be honest, my child, would you call out My name?
If you’ll surrender your heart and give it to Me,
I’ll be there to calm the most treacherous sea."

The waters at once became still as a breeze;
I said, "Thank You, dear Lord," and fell to my knees.
My heart felt as light as a gull on the wing,
and I lifted my voice His praises to sing.

Now when storms of life rage and waves billow high,
I don’t bother my Lord with questions of why.
He gave me His promise and I understand
I’ve only to ask and He’ll lend me His hand.

~Copyright © 1995 Ruth Gillis~
__
edit: more things to add
today was the day of Yu Vern's cremation. all of us cried, reminisced about all the times we had spent with him. inside me, there was a deep deep ache. an ache that makes your eyes burn and your throat choke with tears. I've never experienced this before. Death has never cut so close to home before. It's so hard to believe he's really gone and he'll never come back again. But I know he wouldn't want us to be sad for long. He'd want us to remember all the good times we had with him and he'd want us to dwell on that.
Yu Vern, I'll always remember you as a guy of few words. oh, and you were kinda camera shy too. i always had to force you to take photos with me. and even when you succumbed, you wouldn't smile! and that used to drive me amusedly crazy. but even then, always making the rest of us laugh.
As I type this now, I am confident that Yu Vern is with our Heavenly Father.
God was holding him all along. As He always holds us when we are fallen.
Yu Vern was full of life. He loved life, and embraced it to the fullest. I hope we'll be inspired by him and learn to live life, live every day as if it was going to be our last. Someday we'll be accountable for everything we have done in our lives to God. Love, and live life with all your heart. Don't take life for granted. Don't take the people you love for granted. Don't stop smiling and laughing because that is meant to heal hearts, in time. I think I know what he would have said to you, Rowie, if he had the chance. I think he would have said, 'I love you. Don't be sad okay? I'll see you someday. Take care.' and he would have told us, your friends, to look after you and make sure you were okay. because he would have wanted you to keep on living, loving, because he would have wanted the best for you.
So, as I conclude this post, Rest in Peace, Lim Yu Vern.
God be with you, He'll look after you. He'll take care of you. we love you. we miss you. we won't forget you. we'll remember you. And we'll see you someday in Heaven. take care.

here's some photos for the memories.
laugh, love, cry. we're all in this together.
all the good times, the bad times.
Yu Vern, your memory will always be in our hearts.
In Loving Memory of Lim Yu Vern.
October 14, 1992 to 30th May, 2009.

2009-05-29T02:00:00.002+08:00

Remember Me As A Time of Day
that's all that matters.
that's all that SHOULD matter.

more One Tree Hill quotes :D
damn tiring day today. :(
more tiring days to come.
*Dies
someone pls give me a time turner
D:

one tree hill season six finale

2009-05-27T23:07:00.002+08:00

hey haley?
I love you.

thanks baby.
i love you too.
*swooons
woah the last episode of One Tree hill, Season 6. made me cry a little.. twice.
:P
but season 7 with no Leyton?
suckfest! haha she's my fave character
:(

2009-05-27T22:16:00.003+08:00

you gon' hit the lights
i'll set up the camera
let's get to the action
~tuning into 'PCD's 'Lights, Camera, Action'~
:D
their new album's not bad.
surprisingly.
did my Science test today finally. :P
i'm a lazy pig,
someone please slap me. :(

never say never.

2009-05-26T18:09:00.001+08:00

don't underestimate me. (:
let the tide take me away
tomorrow is another day
things will get better, brighter.
don't let me go.

~tuning into 'Never Say Never' by the Fray~
:)

recent

2009-05-25T10:30:00.006+08:00

watched Angels&Demons with T yesterday.
bloody show had my heart pumping like crazy the whole time.
i was on the edge of my seat.
it was so suspenseful!!
omg.
i kept feeling like an old man about to get struck with a stroke/heart attack.
ish. :(
and like, i wanted to pee too.
sometimes I love T sometimes I want to smack the hell out of him.
but I guess that's normal.
:D dysfunctional friendship. *shakes head.
i got him 2 presents on his birthday. haha noob thought I didn't even get him ONE.
-_-' silly much? anyway it surprised him very much and i am duly satisfied.
i'm addicted to David Choi's 'Won't Even Start'. I want to sing it one day on acoustic guitar (perhaps change to a girl key) and mean it with all my heart. HAHA.
I've downloaded The Fray's latest album, ALL of Matt Nathanson's album (woot! :D), 2 of Mat kearney's albums (I actually already have one already.. but his older one i don't have. his latest one is on the way here from amazon.com :) )hurray for credit cards and online shopping!, Priscilla Ahn's 'A Good Day' which is pretty nice if a bit slow and dreamy, and two of Owl City's albums.
I wanna download Shelly Fraley but can't find her songs anywhere except her free music player on myspace. sucky! :( I was watching One Tree Hill and they played her song during one of the scenes. It was SOOO awesome i immediately went on Google to find out what song it was. haha.
and for me i'm doing okay. now all I need is ice-cream, a hug, and a boyfriend. a decent, smart, funny, doesn't-have-to-be-hot-but-must-at-least-be-semi-good-looking one. :D haha. I'm silly. I miss you Foong Wing Hang!!! ugh. she's the awesome becauseee i can tell her anything and she'll have my back. now who doesn't want a friend like that eh? :)

so now
i'm bored
so I'll post photos.

AHAHAHHA.
this was taken at SEGI i think :D
before practice.

you know why or how i'm gonna make it?
it's because i'm

AHAHA so cute right (:
i have no decent photos of myself.
must learn to take better shots. find better angles. etc. :D

say out loud

2009-05-23T05:58:00.002+08:00

I've always said,
I was okay.
But now I don't know
I don't know

~tuning into Shelly Fraley's 'I Don't Know'

it comes with the late night,
this darkness, this sadness
this fear.
i can tell,
it wants to stay.

2009-05-23T05:04:00.005+08:00

what happened to me and my ability to separate; compartmentalize?
i want to cut the cord, but i cannot
its because of that stupid promise i made, i am tied to it.
i need to do this, for myself.
but i'm being selfish,
and i'm not supposed to be that way.
i'm supposed to be a loyal, true, good friend who's ALWAYS got your back 24/7 no MATTER what.
what if that line blurs sometimes?
what if every day it gets a little harder.
and i can't even tell you everything.
you would never understand.
which is a pity.
as of right now, secrets can kill and
i'm drowning in the weight of TWO.

it's not fair.
but life never is.
oh,how i wish i had no emotions, no feelings.
if i had the ability to choose when i could turn them on and turn them off.
life would be so much easier for me
instead of these impetuous, foolish things that make me curl up at night
and wish I wasn't so FREAKING alone.
i'm so envious and bitter and hateful
it's not good for me.
I need to rise above this and stop thinking about myself.
my sorry, pitiful, pathetic self.
i want to shut you out, but a promise is a promise and i always try to always keep my promises,
God help me.
God help me.
God, are you there?
I know You are.
I know You're listening, watching.
Help me learn from my mistakes.
i have this bad habit of shutting everyone out
when i need people; friends, the most.
maybe that's why I feel like I'm alone, like nobody cares.
now the nights are growing cold
i'm grasping at straws now,
desperate for a hand to hold.
these fears are becoming real
i need to face them. and be strong.
they always said 'you need to face your monsters to make them go away'
but they never told me it would be so difficult.
~

lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you.